If you don?t want Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D spoiled, stop reading now and watch this video of the original Spiderman theme song. It always puts me in a good mood. If you don?t mind my spoilerific comments on Texas Chainsaw Massacre, please continue reading.
Another year of great film is upon. 2013?s first installment is the return of chainsaw wielding madman Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D. Before I get to Leatherface?s triumphant return, let?s start with a plot synopsis. According to IMDB???..
A young woman travels to Texas to collect an inheritance; little does she know that an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding killer is part of the reward.
TCM3D stars Alexandra Daddario as the heroine, Dan Yeager (as Leatherface), an almost always shirtless Trey Songz as the jock, LOST alum Tania Raymonde plays the hot girl, and Keram Malicki-Sanchez is comic relief (although he only has 2 ? lines).
Here are few observations I made.
Heather?s Parents: I wish they would?ve stayed around longer. They were pretty funny and I?m almost positive they were addicted to meth. The meth backstory would?ve been awesome. Jealous parents throwing a monkey wrench into situations is always drama and this film could?ve used some.
3D? Really?: Uhhh After paying $10 for 90 minutes of torture, I?m still not sure why this movie is in 3D. There?s one, maybe two scenes were chainsaw comes speeding towards the camera. Those scenes are not work the extra dollars. ?Even the dreadful Final Destination 3D makes better use of the technology for their cheap scares.
Trey Day: I was excited to see Trey Songz go toe-to-toe with Leatherface and ultimately die trying to stop a chainsaw with his torso. In Trey?s first scene he?s doing some MMA moves on a heavy bag ? my initial thought , as I rubbed my hands together like Birdman, ?Trey is going to get a few hits in and get everyone?s hopes up before he?s dispatched. Sadly that wasn?t the case. He meets his fate when the gang?s mystery fan flips over on the road. Death by windshield was not how I pictured him going out. I don?t want to live in an America where I have to watch Uncle Ben die twice in Spiderman, but Trey Songz avoids a gruesome death in a Texas Chainsaw movie. As if his performance wasn?t enough, Trey?s last few scenes involve him playing pool while his own music played in the background and hooking up with his girlfriend?s friend Nikki in the barn a few hundred feet from the house.
Creepy Cameraman: There a lot of booty shots ?in the film?s first 15 minutes. Hot girl Nikki?s assortment booty shorts colorful underwear is on full display. 14 year old boys and people without internet are going to love those scenes. At least we know Alex Rousseau turned into a video girl once she left the island.
Old Leatherface: The film?s big plot device is Leatherface survived the fire that killed his family and has been living in the basement of this old house for years. My only problem is the original film took place in 1974. For all you math wizards, that would make our beloved Leatherface somewhere between 55-65 years old. How is this AARP member tossing people like rag dolls? And where does he get his cardio? For someone trapped in a basement for decades, he?s got the lungs of a long distance runner.
Chainsaw Toss: People are handling chainsaws with ease and tossing them like Nerf balls all film long. One of the film?s cheap 3D tricks is a scene where Leatherface throws a chainsaw a good 60ft. Unreal. They should?ve at least showed P90X in his wine cellar room to make it a little more believable.
Wasted Opportunity: The scene when Leatherface chases Heather to the carnival had soooooooooooooo much potential for amazing horror carnage. Instead, they opted for the old hanging from the Ferris wheel ?gag. Horror fans love that.
Facetime At The Wrong Time: Once of TCM3D?s climatic scenes is Officer Dummy refusing orders and proceeding into the house to find Leatherface. When Mayor Lynch Mob ask to get a visual, Officer Dummy uses facetime on his iPhone to show what he?s seeing as he searches the house. He?s got one gun in one hand and a phone in the other. 1) I don?t know how he got a signal all the way down in the basement 2) Why would any officer do that? I?m shocked he didn?t try to Instagram a few pics before he left the scene ? ?Check out what I found in the wince cellar? #gross #killer #work? To no one?s?surprise, the use of his phone lead to him getting bludgeoned to death and hung on a meat hook.
Worst Line Ever: As the film moves along, you realize Heather and Leatherface are cousins, there?s some speech about how Leather face will protect her, and blah blah blah. This all leads up to the Mayor, one of his flunkies and his officer son trying to kill Heather because she found out the town?s dirty secret. Leatherface here?s over Officer Dummy?s radio that they?re taking her to some slaughterhouse. A few problems here ? why would you be talking over a police scanner about how you?re going to murder an innocent girl? How did Leatherface walk so far in such little time? He got the call, put on a tie (I?m not joking) and get there in minutes.
After Leatherface rescues Heather from her killers, they beat him and chain him to a machine that?s going to kill him. You know, the type of slow death that allows people time to escape. Movie villains just cant? help but leave people with time to think. ?After escaping, Heather?s conscious gets the best of her and she heads back inside to help Leatherface. Now, as ridiculous as the movie got, I still wasn?t angry enough to throw my $5 Sprite at the screen until this happened: Heather grabs the chainsaw, throws it to Leatherface, and says ?Do your thing cuzz!? I wanted to punch something or someone after that.
Grade: D
Source: http://blog.seattlepi.com/peoplescritic/2013/01/05/texas-chainsaw-massacre-3d/
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